Football Southern Style

**Lexvol** · 01-30-2006, 02:22 PM

I apologize to all of you who may have read these before, or if they have been previously posted. I just thought I would share:

OW MANY SEC STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
>
>At VANDERBILT: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one more to
>explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at
>Harvard.
>At GEORGIA: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one to phone an
>engineer at Georgia Tech for instructions.
>At FLORIDA: it takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to figure
>out how to get stoned off the old one.
>At ALABAMA: it takes five, one to change it, three to reminisce about
>how The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an
>NCAA investigator.
At OLE MISS: it takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks and
>three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.
>At LSU: it takes seven, and each one gets credit for five semester hours.
>At KENTUCKY: it takes eight, one to screw it in and seven to discuss how
>much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season.
>At TENNESSEE: it takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two to
>buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk
>about how much they hate Alabama.
>At MISSISSIPPI STATE: it takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb, two to
>buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, "GO TO HELL, OLE MISS".
>At AUBURN: it takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to talk
>about how they did it better than at Bama, and fifty to get drunk and
>roll toomer's Corner when finished.
>At SOUTH CAROLINA: it takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to
>discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decent
>football team.
>At ARKANSAS: None. There is no electricity in Arkansas.
>
Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically
>different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip
>South, here are some helpful hints.
>
>
>
>Women's Accessories
>
>NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
>
>SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and
>a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.
>
>
>
>Stadium Size
>
>NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
>
>SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
>
>
>
>Fathers
>
>NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
>
>SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
>
>
>
>Campus Decor
>
>NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
>
>SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
>
>
>
>Homecoming Queen
>
>NORTH: Also a physics major.
>
>SOUTH: Also Miss America.
>
>
>
>Heroes
>
>NORTH: Rudy Guliani
>
>SOUTH: Archie & Peyton Manning
>
>
>
>Getting Tickets
>
>NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus
>and purchase tickets.
>
>SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on
>campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.
>
>
>
>Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game
>
>NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because
>they have classes on Friday.
>
>SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the
>few hung over students that might actually make it to class.
>
>
>
>Parking
>
>NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for
>game parking.
>
>SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for
>the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
>
>
>
>Game Day:
>
>NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
>
>SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over
>to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave
>to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast
>from their campus.
>
>
>
>Tailgating
>
>NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local
>radio station with truck tailgate down.
>
>SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking
>accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over
>during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
>
>
>
>Getting to the Stadium
>
>NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right
>in.
>
>SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the
>state's third largest city.
>
>
>
>Concessions
>
>NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
>
>SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on
>it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for
>bourbon.
>
>
>
>When National Anthem is Played
>
>NORTH! : Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them
>stand up.
>
>SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part
>harmony.
>
>
>
>The Smell in the Air After the First Score
>
>NORTH: Nothing changes.
>
>SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
>
>
>
>Commentary (Male)
>
>NORTH: "Nice play."
>
>SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."
>
>
>
>Commentary (Female)
>
>NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
>
>SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."
>
>Announcers
>
>NORTH: Neutral and paid.
>
>SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a
>tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
>
>After the Game
>
>NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
>
>SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to
>the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next
>week's game.

**la.lovesorange** · 01-30-2006, 04:31 PM

Quote:

Heroes
>
>NORTH: Rudy Guliani
>
>SOUTH: Archie & Peyton Manning

Love it!!!!

**rwemyss** · 01-30-2006, 04:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by (Lexvol @ Jan 30, 2006 2:22 PM)

>Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game
>
>NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because
>they have classes on Friday.
>
>SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the
>few hung over students that might actually make it to class.

They play football on Thursday nights?!?! :biggrin2:

CSpindizzy · 01-30-2006, 06:07 PM

You know those classic ESPN Thursday night games....there's no need for tailgating or partying up there so why not? It makes for good football week watching: Sunday Pro, Monday Pro, Thursday College, Friday HS, and Saturday College.

wncvolfan · 01-30-2006, 06:10 PM

Been laughing about this since 4:00 this afternoon. Good stuff, Lexvol.

**vols kick balls** · 01-30-2006, 06:47 PM

that was so beautyful :cry:

**rwemyss** · 01-30-2006, 08:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by (CSpindizzy @ Jan 30, 2006 6:07 PM)

You know those classic ESPN Thursday night games....there's no need for tailgating or partying up there so why not? It makes for good football week watching: Sunday Pro, Monday Pro, Thursday College, Friday HS, and Saturday College.

I know... just pointing out that it was created for the "little guys" to get some attention... you know, North/West teams... :D sorry Milo.

**hvwarrior58** · 01-30-2006, 08:56 PM

thats pretty good

CSpindizzy · 01-30-2006, 09:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by (rwemyss @ Jan 30, 2006 8:28 PM)

I know... just pointing out that it was created for the "little guys" to get some attention... you know, North/West teams... :D sorry Milo.

Commie football....redistribution of air time for the poorest, crappiest teams.

hmanvolfan · 01-30-2006, 10:19 PM

You can put it in your favorites so you can bring it up whenever you need a reason why we love college football in the south...

http://www.whocutthecheez.com/Jokes/archive/092600.htm