Dear Anabelle:
There is growing concern in the infantry leadership that the leader of the red hats is some kind of alien. He appears to be an orangutan, but has opposable thumbs, albeit very small ones. I laugh now at how we always thought that an alien civilization would be more advanced than us, but it turns out that this species of alien is basically a human-shaped amoeba.
We think that the alien has assembled his red hat army by poisoning Schlitz Malt-Liquor Beer and placing his amoeba remnants on 24-hour coin operated laundry machine handles, both of which explains the largest component of his army being from the South.
Though it may be hopeless for the red hat army, I pray that the rest of the country remains educated and rational, as those seem to be the only immunities for resisting the orangutan alien.
LG1